Striving.

Wait

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,
" Child, you must wait."
" Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.
" Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.

My future hangs and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'Yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'No' to which I can resign.

And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And, Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
'I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again," You must wait."
So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God,"So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed,then, to kneel
And His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said," I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want--
But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power I give to the faint;

You'd not learn to see the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me;
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that, 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you!

So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'Wait.'"

- Russell Kelfer

Ya'll my friend tagged me in a note on FB with this poem in it. When I read it, I teared up. This is me being transparent: I have been so beat down recently. Upset and frustrated with who I am, feeling like a failure. And you know what's worse? I KNOW the cure for my oppression. I KNOW that Jesus can fix ALL of this, fix me. I KNOW there is a better life to be had, more abundant living. But what do I do? NOTHING. I don't seek harder, pray harder, or retreat to my bible. I get stubborn and I let myself struggle with the hurt because I'm too PROUD to turn to my Provider. I'm too afraid to give up complete control. I'm terrified to "rest in Him". I'm holding on to my wants and fears and desires so tightly that I can't even raise my hands to worship Him. I'm lost and dazed and confused. I'm burnt out. There's this person that I WANT to be that God DESIRES me to be and I'm so far away from that image. Even the thought of attempting to get there is exhausting. And then, I take out my anger with myself with people I love and care about, that don't deserve it.

Today at the end of Leadership Retreat each person in our small groups wrote something nice about all of us. I can not tell you how many people wrote that I was patient. PATIENT? ME?! No way. God tells me to wait and I scream back NO! My mind is constantly racing, figuring out the next problem I'll come in contact with. I SO EASILY get anxious and curious. Waiting? That's not me. But for whatever reason, these people saw that in me. So if I can be patient with them, why can't I be patient with God? He deserves my complete and utter trust; isn't impatience one form of distrust?

I want to make the commitment to know Him better and wait for what He has to tell me. But to be honest, I can hear the devil whispering, "It's going to be too much effort, too much work. You're exhausted and don't have time for this. It's okay to have such an angry heart in turmoil."

Pray that I tell the devil to shut up.